Fugue State

Too big to play

So everything has been ticking along nicely, thank you, and the little boy I've got riding around inside me is getting quite big now, I've passed the seven month mark. I admit cello playing hasn't been top of mind lately, but I'm trying to just relax and do what I can do, when I can manage it. 

There's no denying, though, that there's been a big lapse in practice. I'm a bit terrified I'll never get back to my previous abilities (or have time to) and the idea of getting to my favourite orchestra across town on transit hauling a cello seems impossible right now. 

How have you come back from an absence from playing? My usual way is to ease in with playing more music and less technique to start, getting myself to fall in love with it again - then making my way back to the technique when I'm feeling a bit more confident. Over a few weeks, not ignoring technique for months until I magically feel up for it. I just find going straight back in studies and scales makes me feel more fatigued and frustrated than playing a few tunes and putting the instrument down. It's a bit like exercising a muscle after an injury I suppose. 

Of course, I haven't quite picked up my cello again yet, and I have a feeling my bump is too big now for it to work. And then I only get bigger. And then there's a little boy to look after.... whew. 

But I find if I start thinking about it now as a gradual thing I can ease into, it's much more likely to actually happen. I suppose that visualisation, isn't it?

Calling West London string players

There's a new ensemble out in West London starting for those of us who aren't RAM students or on the KSO waiting lists... West London Strings. No auditions, for adult players of Grade 3 standard and up. Tuesday nights. This is a new group, so they need to see if enough people are interested, email them from the website to find out more.

Fighting the exhaustion

I'm at week 21 of being pregnant, and I'm exhausted again. Maybe I'm working too hard, I'm not sure, but sometimes coming home and putting in a load of laundry is all I can manage. The thought of wrestling with Bach for 45 minutes to an hour is seriously beyond my abilities.

What do I do about this? I don't want my cello playing to get seriously behind, but at the same time I need to not push myself. And need to not feel guilty for not pushing myself. 

The other night I played some scales and worked on some of the Bach I was playing before I started the Vivaldi and it was nice. Half an hour, working on some tricky fingerings and getting a couple passages closer to where they were before in feeling and tone. Then I put the instrument down.

I suppose I'm going to have to be okay with that, I'm surely not going to have time for much more than that when the little one comes along.

Nothing like too much music to make you stop being afraid

As I was madly practising for our concert the other night, I noticed that my vibrato is better from imitating our section leader. It's not perfect by any means, but my movement is freer and bigger than it was before. I completely attribute it to sitting behind such a good cellist.

The orchestra term is finished for the next few weeks, and the massive project I've been working on at the office goes to print this week, so soon I should have some head space for some serious practising of my own.

I had been thinking of playing in orchestra as not really playing, in the practising sense, because I can't hear my own playing much, and full rehearsals are not the place you work hard on your own technique (too many other things to think about). But I have to say, it's an excellent place to just keep playing when your energy levels and time doesn't allow for serious work on your own repertoire. 

I was pleasantly surprised, coming back to playing a bit of Bach and Vivaldi, that I wasn't useless. The orchestra I play in, too, is at the outer edges of my technical ability sometimes, which pushes me to get over my hang ups quickly. 'Look, an exposed passage in thumb position, better sort that out because there are only five of you in the section. AHHHH!'... for example.

All that playing of hard things breaks down your fear a bit doesn't it? And I think I had gotten myself very fearful about making ugly noises and not getting good enough. 

And in baby news - everything is ticking along fine, lots of kicks and I'm getting bigger and bigger. No interference with cello playing quite yet.

Following the leader

Often, in orchestra, I sit behind the first chair. Not out of merit particularly , but because there are often four or five of us and that's where I ended up. But I find I take on the playing characteristics of the section leader quite quickly - whether they move a lot or don't, sway in their chair or sit still. At the moment, our illustrious leader is a mover and a swayer, which I have taken on, and I find my vibrato action matching his without me even thinking about it. It's all very unconscious - but also quite natural. In a woodwind section you don't do this really. I suppose your playing motions aren't as obvious as string players' are, we're not trying to matching bowing or anything, and our parts are not meant to blend together in the same way. It's just a different mentality. I really enjoy blending my sound with my section, trying to burrow into the middle of it like a mouse into a soft nest. 

Last week the baby either loved or took exception to the last movement of the Mendelssohn in rehearsal, because it was doing somersaults and thumping away in there. I mentioned that to someone else and they looked at me wide-eyed, 'In time??!!' Let's not get carried away now. But it is very hard to concentrate on anything while that's happening, let me say. 

And in the incredibly-late-on-the-bandwagon department, I've given in to the twitter. Find me here.